Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
Life on the Fast Lane
When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun. Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
- When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
- This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
- He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!
Bart the Daredevil
Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
Rosebud
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing? Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
- Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
- This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
Duffless
Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Me fail English? That’s unpossible. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!
Selma’s Choice
He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
You don’t win friends with salad. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Jesus must be spinning in his grave! D’oh. Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention! And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” You don’t win friends with salad. D’oh.
Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO! Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. Ahoy hoy? Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
I was saying “Boo-urns.” Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
D’oh. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Please do not offer my god a peanut. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… D’oh.
I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Inflammable means flammable? What a country. I was saying “Boo-urns.” I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
